


talk to me

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Incest, M/M, Polyamorous Character, Reincarnation, Sex Work, mentioned f/f
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-13
Updated: 2015-03-13
Packaged: 2018-03-17 08:07:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3521789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Most of the time her callers want her to be a sexy nurse or a sexy teacher or a sexy elf or a sexy witch.  Sometimes they call her to vent or ask for advice on personal problems.</p><p>But a guy calling to get help figuring out a birthday gift for his boyfriend is a new one!</p><p>An unusual friendship forms and just keeps getting more complicated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	talk to me

**Author's Note:**

> Written for HSWC 2014, and not previously posted because I hate formatting. This is one of many stories about the beta kids coming through to new worlds where they don't quite meet, making the OT4 impossible.
> 
> Thanks to all my teammates, and especially Phrenotobe and Stripe for all of their help when it was down to the deadline and I was panicking.
> 
> Jade's sexy silhouette is courtesy of Phrenotobe!

 

I am here to make all of your fantasies come true!

Do you want your business trip to take a surprising turn when you meet a sexy flight attendant?

**** Do you want to travel through the most fantastical kingdoms, meeting maidens of every species and wooing them with tales of your bravest deeds?

 **** Do you want your teacher to catch you in the middle of a dirty act and punish you for being so completely filthy?

 **** Do you want to run through the wilds, freeing your most primal instincts?

 **** Or do you just want to replay that one moment of your life, but this time, things will go exactly the way you want them to?

My specialty is immersing you in a fantasy world so real that you can taste it.  Once you’re in, you’ll never want to leave.  

Let’s tell a story together.

 

4/12/2021

CALL START

GG:

Hello there, stranger. What kind of adventure would you like to go on today?

CLIENT:

Rad. So I'm a magical fucking wizard and my wizard's staff is my massive virile man rod. I am on a quest, and that quest is for the ultimate lay. Busty tavern wench, your tramp stamp map is the only guide that will lead me to the temple of smoking hot lesbians that will make an exception for me in the form of an orgy. But first you gotta strip down to your skivvies so I can get a better look at that sweet tat.

GG:

I've been in the back room of this tavern before, many times. But oh great wizard, I have never met a man as powerful as you before. My knees are weak, and I'm afraid that in your presence my hands shake too much... please help me undo the ties of my waist cincher, so I can slip of this dress and give you the knowledge that you seek-

CLIENT:

No. Fuck. Shit. Sorry, I just say crap sometimes. I need help figuring out a birthday gift for someone that I've been dating for a while. And apparently I don't know how to shop for anyone despite being a full grown man with a bank account full of cash and everything. I can pay taxes. I can do laundry. But ask me to buy a birthday gift and I'm suddenly a toddler sitting there and shitting myself, flailing my arms around and throwing mashed up bananas at people. Wait am I a toddler or a monkey? I don't even fucking know anymore. It's not like monkeys can buy gifts either.

GG:

Lucky for you, I'm really good at presents. Why don't you tell me about the lucky girl?

CLIENT:

It's for my boyfriend.

GG:

...Wellllll why don't you describe the lucky guy to me?

CLIENT:

What, am I supposed to talk about what he's wearing today? Because I don't think a Ghostbusters t shirt is all that great unless you have a thing for nerds, which I guess I do. Real bad. 'Sir, we're afraid you have a case of the 'hots for nerds. It is tragically incurable. You will have to live out the rest of your life... wanting to bone nerds. I'm so sorry.' Wait aren't you the one that's supposed to talking about what you're wearing and shit?

GG:

I meant describe his personality. But if you'd like to hear about what I'm wearing I'd be happy to tell you.

CLIENT:

As tempting as that sounds, I'm kind of on a time crunch. Big day is tomorrow and all. And going out will take even longer with how much everyone stares at my hot bod and fawns over me.

GG:

You're really cutting things close aren't you?

CLIENT:

Well, you know a cool guy like me can't be worried about it. I'm too laid back for all of that.

GG:

A cool toddler monkey.

CLIENT:

Exactly.

GG:

Anyway, tell me about this guy, and I'll help you figure out all kinds of trouble you can get into with him.

CLIENT:

Probably not the kind of trouble you're thinking of. He's my boyfriend but... doing the nasty is just plain nasty for him.

GG:

So you don't do the do. You don't do the horizontal tango, ride the pony, bump uglies, or batter your corn dog?

CLIENT:

Naaaah.

GG:

Well. I've heard weirder.

CLIENT:

I know some people. I bet I can have you beat there.

GG:

Don't be so sure, Cool Guy. That guy that you know that did that one thing? I probably had to find something in my house to mimic the sounds of him doing it. Anyway, back to your no bone zone boyfriend. Talk to me.

CLIENT:

Well, you've probably already figured out the part about him being a ridiculous dopey ass nerd on account of me liking him and all. And because I wouldn't shut the fuck up about it earlier. But he's a nerd of the 'I went to film school and everyone judged me for liking schlock instead of art house' variety. Loves shitty movies. Loves cliches. Has a taste aversion to cake. His form of teenage rebellion was growing facial hair because his dad is so clean cut. He makes fun of everyone and is the biggest sap you could ever meet at the same time. A total romantic that eats cheesy shit up like he's spraying it out of a can into his open maw. And I love him but he's such a dweeb that I am clearly way too cool to think of a gift that he would like, even though he gets me incredible gifts all the time.

GG:

Hmmmmm...

CLIENT:

That's not much help. I don't know what hmmmmm means. Care to translate?

GG:

I am thinking!

CLIENT:

You want me to put on the Jeopardy! music or something? Would that help you out?

GG:

Ugh! Is he the type of guy that will appreciate activities as much as stuff? You know, gift gifts.

CLIENT:

Probably. He grew up in a nice household. Had a happy childhood and everything. His dad actually taught him how to shave and told him he was proud of him and all that other Hallmark shit.

GG:

Well do something nice tomorrow but tell him that he’ll get his gift on Saturday.  Take him to a midnight screening and buy popcorn and soda... candy, too, if he likes it. And if there's something that he likes to eat during movies that you can't get a theater you had better sneak it in. Then head to an all night diner and talk about the movie and eat. Have some coffee! You said that he's a romantic right?

CLIENT:

Yeah, like an Academy Award nominated Dianne Warren song. When he's not being kind of an asshole. But you know, a lovable asshole.

GG:

I don't know what you're talking about, but okay. Take him some place pretty. Watch the sunrise and hold his hand. Kiss him a bunch. Kissing is on the table, right?

CLIENT:

Kissing is definitely on the table.

GG:

Kiss him. Touch him where he likes to be touched. Run your hands through his hair as you look into his eyes and let his see just how much you need him. The take him home and cuddle. Does that sounds like it'll work?

CLIENT:

Yeah.

GG:

Yeah?

CLIENT:

That sounds really... nice. I think he'll like that one, eat it up like someone coming off of a cleanse and they are so hyped to eat solid food again that they eat all the cake at a buffet and make some little kids cry. Thanks for the help. I can't believe this actually fucking worked.

GG:

You're welcome and good luck! Be sure to tell me how it turns out!

CLIENT:

I will tell you exactly how many times he swooned. And how many were because of you, because most of them will have been from just how smooth I am.

GG:

Uh huh.  Sure.

END CALL

 

CLIENT is now logged as “ MR. COOL KID. ”

ADDITIONAL NOTES:

weird boyfriend guy!  

doesn’t want anything dirty?  

talks lots and lots <3

come back cool kid!

 

4/19/2021

CALL START

GG:

Wow!  Didn’t expect to hear from you again!  How did your date night go?

MR. COOL KID:

What.  How the hell do you know that it’s me?  Are you a psychic or something?  You got a crystal ball there in your pile of stuff that you use to make all the weird noises?  ‘So I’ve got some rubber bands and a hairbrush and some lotion and ten lollipops and a full divination set.’

GG:

You were totally wrong about that list.  I only have five lollipops.  Also I set it so a name pops up when you call.

MR. COOL KID:

Yeah, because that story is totally believable.  I’m on to you, lady.  You’re probably figuring all of this out because you’re a witch.  You’re really just an old crone with a warty nose using a Bluetooth so that you can stir some more salamanders into your cauldron while you chat.

GG:

Excuse me!  I am not an old crone!  I am a very sexy witch.  I will have you know that I have been a witch plenty of times before and I have never had nose warts… oh wait there was that one time.  But it was just once and the guy was very nice about it!

MR. COOL KID:

I want to know but I don’t at the same time.  Do I want to look into the void?  Hell yes I do, because I am a curious little fucker.  But will I be able to handle how it will change me?  Who the hell even knows.  I stared into the abyss, and all of the weird shit on the internet stared back.

GG:

What are you even talking about?

MR. COOL KID:

I am talking about how the internet is filled with strange and mysterious things, most of them pornography.  And also my boyfriend loved the magical date night adventure.

GG:

Really?

MR. COOL KID:

Yeah, were he the laying type, I would have totally gotten some.  Instead I just had a cool time with him and he let me have Netflix control for a week as a thank you.  I mean five bucks says that week will really only be three days, but it’s the thought that counts until he makes me watch Ghosts of Girlfriends Past again.  Then the thought is bullshit when I have to sit through that for the fourth time because he’s writing some paper on it.  McConaughey wasn’t even that hot.  How can anyone see past his stubby little T-Rex arms anyway?

GG:

His teeth distract them maybe?  They’re very bright.

MR. COOL KID:

Yeah well they’re probably dentures by this point.  That’s why they look so perfect.  Gleaming fake teeth that he takes out of his mouth every night and dunks into whatever old people put their fake teeth in.

GG:

Oh my god he is in his fifties!  That is not old at all!  I have definitely talked to guys older than that.

MR. COOL KID:

That is seriously gross.  That is something I never needed to think about but here it is, in my brain.  I like dudes and all but the thought of some gross wrinkly dude jerking it as he rasps into the phone with spittle flying everywhere is enough to put me off of food for the day.  Unless we get take out for dinner.

GG:

If it helps you most of them don’t pretend to be their actual ages?

MR. COOL KID:

That doesn’t help me at all.  Nothing can help me now.  I am beyond saving.  I will slowly waste away with visions of wrinkled old ballsacks in my head.  Oh wait nevermind.  Just texted the bf and he’s picking up Chinese on the way home.  Fuck yes shrimp toast here I come.  I can eat again.  I have been cured.  He has saved me from a life of slowly walking by restaurants and staring into their windows, unable to actually eat because I’m imagining some old pervert talking about his junk and- Wait no I’m going to stop myself so it doesn’t happen again.  My boyfriend is my hero.  The end.

GG:

You two are so cute!  It’s adorable!  How did you meet?

MR. COOL KID:

We’ve known each other since we were ten I think.  He was a weird kid in school and I was the kid that was way more awesome than everyone so they all thought I was weird.  And we found each other that way.  But he’s complicated and I’m complicated so we didn’t get together as in romance bullshit until like a year and a half ago.  Which is forever when I think about it?  How did that even happen?  Time is so fucking weird I don’t even understand I just go with it.

GG:

Wait, what do you mean by complicated?  Do you mean like emotionally or tragic backstories or what?  Those are very different things!

MR. COOL KID:

I mean he doesn’t fuck people and really doesn’t fuck guys and I… I don’t know.  I like women too but stuff has happened and it just seems easier to not have to think about right now.  Besides I have John and I love him and that’s great right?

GG:

It’s really great.  You are very lucky to find someone like that for you.  Most of the people I talk to don’t have it, I think.  Even the ones that are in relationships.  But I’m pretty surprised.  I maybe thought so far that you were gay.  Which was stupid and insensitive of me, I guess.  But if you don’t like dealing with women right now then why did you call me?  There are guys that do this kind of thing too.

MR. COOL KID:

I don’t know.  There’s this guy at work that apparently does this kind of thing all the time.  It doesn’t fucking surprise me because I can’t believe anyone would interact with him without getting paid since he’s a real douche.  We’re talking grade A bad for vaginas here.  Anyway, the royal douche has the nerve to brag about it like it’s some sort of conquest, and he had talked about it at work and I was feeling pretty fucking panicked about what to do.  So I went to a website and… I heard your voice sample and I liked it.

GG:

You had better have liked it!  All the noises on that one are real.

MR. COOL KID:

Holy shit.

GG:

Yep!

MR. COOL KID:

Holy shit.  I uh… well.  I thought you were acting on that but uh… wow.  Those were some very good noises.  A plus.  Good work.  Uh… but that wasn’t the part I meant.  I meant the part where you were talking.  I liked how you sounded.  It was sort of familiar?

GG:

I must have one of those voices I guess.

MR. COOL KID:

Naaah.  Not at all.  You’ve got this tiny bit of an accent.  Don’t know where it’s from but you’re not actually American I think.  Most people wouldn’t pick up on it, but it’s really different.  And I heard the sample - well I heard the part of the sample that was not those noises and I just… I just knew I could talk to you.  Jesus, that is so fucking lame, please just go back in time and kill me. I cannot believe I am being that kind of loser right now,  I might as well be reading from one of the fucked-up romance novels my sister writes, preaching the good word on hot nerd romance with tentacles and dark magic.

GG:

Well I’m glad you feel like you can talk to me.  I really like talking with you.  You’re funny and smart and obviously a very cool guy.  So open up to me all you want and I’ll be here to listen, okay?

MR. COOL KID:

Okay.

GG:

Also I think I might have read your sister’s romance novels.

MR. COOL KID:

What.  No.

GG:

Does it help if I tell you that they were really hot?

MR. COOL KID:

No that does not help me at all.  That makes things worse.  I think.  I don’t know.  My brain is starting to feel like a real Freudian place right now.

GG:

So does your sister secretly want to have sex with tentacle monsters or something?

MR. COOL KID:

No… she wants to be the tentacle monster.

GG:

Ooh.  Nice.

MR. COOL KID:

What, no!  You cannot ooh nice that.  Do you know how much trouble tentacle monsters are?  That is the kind of trouble my sister is.  It is not nice, it is not fun and it is definitely the last thing from sexy, it is my damn sister and she is a scourge to all teenage brothers. She was hell when I saw her.

GG:

Oh come on!  Maybe I’m just appreciating a fellow pervert.  Perverts are like kin to me!  I bet you’re one too!

MR. COOL KID:

I don’t even know.  My standards are all messed up considering my family.  I can’t tell what’s up or down anymore.  I can only hear weird squelching noises and they haunt my dreams.

CALL CONTINUES FOR ANOTHER 23 MINUTES

ADDITIONAL NOTES:

talks lots and lots <3

come back cool kid!

still no dirty talk

family issues

his sister writes hot stuff!!!!

 

5/10/2021

CALL START

GG:

Hi!  How have you been?  Have your fans been giving you a hard time?

MR. COOL KID:

You have no clue. Telling people what music is good and what music isn’t for a living is tough work.  But someone has to do it and no one is better equipped than me.  And people are either crazy fans asking for locks of my hair or jackasses that feel the need to tell me how wrong I am after every damn podcast or review.  And clearly I am not the one that’s wrong, they are.  Some people may say that taste is subjective but that is a lie.  And the sooner they come to realize that the better their lives will be.

CALL CONTINUES FOR ANOTHER 31 MINUTES

ADDITIONAL NOTES:

talks lots and lots <3

come back cool kid!

family issues

his sister writes hot stuff!!!!

works for public radio?

so insecure sheesh

does boyfriend know about this?

 

5/24/2021

CALL START

GG:

He-

MR. COOL KID:

Hello hola bonjour and all that stuff!  Hahah, your witchy wiles can’t defeat me this time.  I greeted you first.

GG:

...Because you interrupted me.

MR. COOL KID:

A quick strike is the only way to win.  You gotta be strong and you gotta be fast and you gotta be fresh from the fight or whatever.  Something something something, larger than life, larger than life.

GG:

Well maybe I prefer a slow strike to a quick one.

MR. COOL KID:

What.

GG:

You can’t see but I’m waggling my eyebrows right now.

MR. COOL KID:

Stop that.

GG:

I am waggling my eyebrows so hard!

MR. COOL KID:

I bet you say that to all the guys that call you.  “Oooooh… I am waggling my eyebrows so hard right now.  You would not believe how hard I am waggling them.  Ahhhhhh… it’s so hard it hurts.”

GG:

Wow.  You are really bad at doing a sexy voice.  You are so lucky your boyfriend doesn’t bone you.  He would be so disappointed.

MR. COOL KID:

I’m a little out of practice, okay?

CALL CONTINUES FOR 28 MINUTES

 

6/7/2021

CALL START

GG:

Hi!  Ha!  I won this time!

MR. COOL KID:

Yeah, okay.  Fantastic.  But that doesn’t even matter right now.  I have just learned that there is a shitty Lifetime movie from 2013 called Deadly Spa and I am sending you a link so we can watch that shit later.  Deadly.  Spa.

GG:

Deadly Spa.

MR. COOL KID:

Yes, that is the perfect dramatic voice for it.  It is the dramatic voice that we will use to refer to Deadly Spa for the rest of our lives.  For the rest of eternity even.  Deadly Spa.

GG:

Deadly Spa.

MR. COOL KID:

Deadly Spa.

GG:

Deadly Spa!

CALL CONTINUES FOR 43 MINUTES

ADDITIONAL NOTES:

talks lots and lots <3

family issues

works for public radio?

does boyfriend know about this?

sensitive and kind of insecure

bad with feelings

bf likes different type of bad movies

 

6/14/2021

CALL START

GG:

Deadly Spa was terrible!

MR. COOL KID:

What a fucking let down.  Only one spa related attempted murder in the whole thing.  I feel like the little kid that just found out that Santa isn’t real.  Or the teen boy that just found out that sometimes women fake orgasms.

GG:

There was not a single toxic chemical peel!

MR. COOL KID:

No poisonous health drinks!

GG:

No drowning in the mud bath!

MR. COOL KID:

Oh man that would have been so gross.  They should have gone for it.  Burbling mudbath nastiness.  And when the victim finally kicks it the cucumbers on their eyes float to the top.

GG:

Why didn’t they hire us to write this movie for them?

MR. COOL KID:

Because I’m pretty sure Lifetime throws out all of the letters I send them now.

CALL CONTINUES FOR 26 MINUTES

 

7/12/2021

CALL START

GG:

Hey there!  I haven’t talked to you in a few weeks!  How have you been?

MR. COOL KID:

Pretty good.  Cool as always.  But it’s not like I didn’t try and call you or anything.  You were just busy every single time I tried.  I’m surprised you can even talk after all of that.  But I guess if your voice turned all raspy callers would probably like that one too.

GG:

Oh!  Well it was around a holiday.  And people see their families on holidays so they get stressed out.  And when they get stressed out they call me so I can help them escape a little.  But yeah my throat is a little tender.  I’ve been drinking lots of tea with lemon and a ton of honey.  It’s so good!

MR. COOL KID:

Yeah, but why only Monday?  Do you have some other job or something so that’s the only day you take calls?  Please tell me this is your secret life or something.

GG:

No, this is my only job!  I take open calls on Fridays too.  But I only have those days open to get new people in.  Mostly I have enough regulars that my other days have scheduled calls.  And then I do errands and promos and extras on the other days.  I keep myself busy.

MR. COOL KID:

Wait people can schedule times to chat with you?

GG:

Yeah, why?

MR. COOL KID:

Uh… how would a guy potentially do that if they wanted to?  Because I’m maybe interested.

GG:

Oh yay!  You’re just the best to talk to!  So tell me what time is good for you.

MR. COOL KID:

Do Tuesdays work?  I’m mostly working from home then.  So my coworkers wouldn’t glare at me for slacking off, even though my muse is delicate and likes it when I chat with other people.  My brain can’t work if my mouth isn’t moving.  Just one of the drawbacks of my genius.  Too bad no one else seems to get it.  I’m so fucking misunderstood.

GG:

Tuesdays are good!  If you’re okay with chatting in the afternoon.  I’ve got a morning call and a couple of night ones already.

MR. COOL KID:

Yeah.  That’ll work.  It’s not like I ever want to get up early anyway.  People that get up with the sun have a serious illness.  They are clearly all deviants and society should protect us from them

GG:

...Oops?

MR. COOL KID:

Not you too.

GG:

I promise I won’t ever make you talk to me then.  How about Tuesdays, two PM EST, every other week?

MR. COOL KID:

Sounds cool.  I can work with it.  Now on to more important things.  You ever play video games when you were younger?

CALL CONTINUES FOR 46 MINUTES

 

7/27/2021

CALL LENGTH 42 MINUTES

8/10/2021

CALL LENGTH 58 MINUTES

8/24/2021

CALL LENGTH 77 MINUTES

9/7/2021

CALL LENGTH 84 MINUTES

9/21/2021

CALL LENGTH 61 MINUTES

CURRENT NOTES:

talks lots and lots <3

“DEADLY SPA”

DAVE!!!

NPR and blogger

sister is Rose

bf John

whoa there issues

 

10/5/2021

CALL START

GG:

So what’s going on?

MR. COOL KID:

My sister got a girlfriend.

GG:

Damn!  I guess that means I can’t date her then.

MR. COOL KID:

Don’t even joke about it.

GG:

Oh no.  What’s going on?

MR. COOL KID:

Well one, I don’t even know how to handle this news right now.  And two, that would be illegal levels of hot and you should maybe not even suggest it.

GG:

Wait what?

MR. COOL KID:

I just… fuck.  Fuck!  It’s great right?  I mean she’s struggled forever in high school to be happy in relationships and she failed every single time! She has sabotaged every last one because she just didn’t have it in her to go the distance.  But she calls me yesterday to tell me that she’s been dating some chick for six months now.  And that’s fantastic, right?  I should be happy for her!  But I just want to break all the dishes and put my fist through the TV screen, and I feel so damn gross on the inside like all my organs are festering slime and I’m just a sticky wad down the side of the couch cushions, doomed to linger in contaminating miasma. And ooze me will be this useless gross-ass thing stuck in the couch forever and no one is going to buy that couch second hand because no one wants a slime boy couch and I am never going to deal with this.

GG:

Hey… shhhh… calm down… it’s going to be okay.

MR. COOL KID:

I want to fuck my sister.

GG:

Oh.

MR. COOL KID:

And I’m in love with her in the whole “I want to give you flowers and grow old with you and sweep you off your feet to carry you over the threshold” sort of way.  But I figured that other one is kind of the bigger issue.

GG:

Well… you weren’t raised together after you were super little, so I guess it’s not as shocking but…

MR. COOL KID:

It’s still pretty fucked up.

GG:

Well what about John?

MR. COOL KID:

I love him too.  I love him so fucking much.  I am fully capable of loving multiple people at once, but unfortunately one of those loves is destroying my life.  Haven’t you ever had feelings for multiple people at once?

GG:

I don’t know.

CALL CONTINUES FOR 93 MINUTES

ADDITIONAL NOTES:

talks lots and lots <3

“DEADLY SPA”

DAVE!!!

NPR and blogger

sister is Rose (OH NO!)

bf John

poor guy :( :( :(

 

10/12/2021

CALL LENGTH 44 MINUTES

10/19/2021

CALL LENGTH 102 MINUTES

10/26/2021

CALL LENGTH 63 MINUTES

 

11/2/2021

CALL START

GG:

Hey Dave, how did that phone call go?

MR. COOL KID:

Not great.  We’re maybe not talking now.  I don’t like how she is with the girlfriend and she’s pissed off with me for it.  Whatever.  I’ve got other things to deal with now.

GG:

What’s going on?

MR. COOL KID:

Two year anniversary next week.  I can’t even believe it.  Holy shit how has that even happened?

GG:

Happy early anniversary!  Do you have anything planned?  Oh!  You should go to that high end diner you were talking about.  Fancy comfort food sounds perfect for the two of you.

MR. COOL KID:

Oh.  Yeah, that makes sense.  We’re doing another movie night because he’s predictable as shit.  But yeah, we should go for a nice dinner there before and go to the movie dapper as hell.

GG:

That is an awesome plan.  So why don’t you sound excited?

MR. COOL KID:

I love John more than anything.

GG:

But?

MR. COOL KID:

It still doesn’t feel like enough.

GG:

Dave…

MR. COOL KID:

I don’t know.  I have some shit to work out.  Can I call you next week?

GG:

Yeah, I’ll schedule you for then.  Feel better okay.  And I…

MR. COOL KID:

Yeah?  You what?

GG:

I know how you feel.

MR. COOL KID:

Yeah.

CALL END

11/9/2021

CALL LENGTH 68 MINUTES

11/16/2021

CALL LENGTH 79 MINUTES

11/23/2021

CALL LENGTH 53 MINUTES

11/30/2021

CALL LENGTH 91 MINUTES

12/7/2021

CALL START

GG:

Happy belated birthday?  Was your birthday as cool as you are?

MR. COOL KID:

No, but how would that even be possible?  No mortal man could construct something like that.  John tried is damn best though.  And got pretty close, because he’s a god damn gift giving genius. That fucker got me signed Criterion volumes of some of my favorite films.  How did he even do that?  Half of these people are snobby assholes that won’t sign shit.  And we had the most pretentious party with all of my goober friends and coworkers, and then after they left John and I made out for like an hour. Maybe even over that, which would be a new record since John usually gets bored pretty quick.  Also some weirdo sent me shitty pictures of the greatest card ever made.

GG:

I’m so glad you liked it!

MR. COOL KID:

It was covered in glitter right?  I couldn’t tell since half of those pics were blurry as shit.

GG:

Yes it was glitter!  And go easy on me.  Most of the time I buy pics from other people.  I don’t take my own.

MR. COOL KID:

Well it was a great day and good job for contributing to it.  Anyway, didn’t you say your birthday was around now?  I feel like I remember you saying that at some point.

GG:

Uh… maybe…

MR. COOL KID:

Yeah, because that’s not sketchy at all.  So when is it?

GG:

No way!  That falls under “personal information!”  But I can give you my pretend birthday…

MR. COOL KID:

Are you going to, or are you going to keep up with this coy thing?  You’re really good at it sometimes and I’ll be honest here it’s frustrating as hell.

GG:

Christmas!

MR. COOL KID:

Uh huh.

GG:

Hey!  I love Christmas.  Christmas is great.  So I get to celebrate two things on one day.

MR. COOL KID:

Well you definitely haven’t been good, so Santa is going to send you jack shit.  He’s looking at his naughty and nice list going, “Oh my! What a very bad girl!  I haven’t even heard of some of the things she’s done.  No presents for her this year!”  Meanwhile he’s watching everyone all the time like a total fucking creeper.  Who even thought that was morally okay?  What inspired parents to do that?

GG:

Uh…

MR. COOL KID:

What I’m trying to do is ask you what you want for your birthday.

GG:

Tanglebucks for Squiddles Online or bootlegs of the old Squiddle specials that never made it to America.

MR. COOL KID:

Fucking Squiddles?  You too?  Rose used to love that show.  And John talks about a penpal that he had when he was younger that was obsessed.  Says she was weird but she was the sweetest girl he ever knew.  I can’t believe you like those things, they creep me out.  Those soulless eyes of theirs have seen some fucked up shit.  The type of horrors that Lovecraft would write about, except probably less racist.  I’m pretty sure only the Ludovico Technique was involved.

GG:

Well I’ve loved Squiddles since I was little. Well, okay, I stopped for a little bit in my teens, but then I found it comforting, and when the new show came out and the fan base got all weird, I joined a group that helps keep the Squiddudes in check!  I like it.  It just makes me happy.

MR. COOL KID:

Okay.  Squiddles stuff coming up then.  I think my Bro has some friends in the bootleg community-

GG:

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

MR. COOL KID:

Jesus!  Please tell me you don’t make that noise during your sexy time calls.  What are you trying to do, call a dog?  I think my ear drums are bleeding now seriously you can stop!

GG:

Ahhhhh thank you!  You’re the coolest!

MR. COOL KID:

Well duh.

CALL CONTINUES FOR 67 MINUTES

ADDITIONAL NOTES:

talks lots and lots <3

“DEADLY SPA”

DAVE!!!

NPR and blogger

sister is Rose (OH NO!)

bf John

super complicated love life

science is easier

SO GREAT SQUIDDLES FUCK YES

such a sweetie!

 

WEEKLY CALLS CONTINUE, AVERAGING 66 MINUTES IN LENGTH

 

4/12/2022

CALL START

GG:

How is it going?  Are you excited for tomorrow?

MR. COOL KID:

I’m pretty hyped even though we decided to keep things chill this year.  Today is pretty important too though.

GG:

Oh?

MR. COOL KID:

Come on, I know you keep notes about things.  You’ve already told me that you’re pretty compulsive about it.

GG:

Okay, you got me!  I can’t believe we’ve been chatting for a year!

MR. COOL KID:

Yeah, it’s pretty surreal… like one of those melting clock paintings.

GG:

Well it’s been so much fun.  I always look forward to your calls so much, even if they’re a little weird for me.  They make me really happy.

MR. COOL KID:

Yeah they… they make me happy too.

GG:

And I’m so glad that I can be there for you, and that you can talk to me.

MR. COOL KID:

It’s… it’s really important for me to talk to you.  And now that Rose is talking to me again… with her and John and you in my life things feel right.  It feels like enough.

GG:

Dave…

MR. COOL KID:

It feels real to you right?  We’ve been talking for a year and I don’t pretend you’re a schoolteacher or a nanny or an elf or a dog girl - even though I’m sure you’d rock the look.  It feels like you aren’t just pretending to like me and when you’re flirting with me you’re flirting for real, not like some waitress just trying to get tips-

GG:

I don’t like where this is going Dave.

MR. COOL KID:

You are so fucking important to me Jade, and I’m pretty sure you feel the same way.

GG:

How do you know that?

MR. COOL KID:

What?

GG:

HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?

MR. COOL KID:

I don’t fucking know I swear it just felt like the right thing to say-

GG:

BULLSHIT!  HOW DID YOU FIND OUT ABOUT ME?

MR. COOL KID:

I didn’t!  I’ve only been talking to you on the phone!

GG:

YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING LIAR!  CUT IT OUT.

MR. COOL KID:

Jade I swear-

GG:

STOP!

END CALL

 

4/18/ 2022

IGNORED CALL 2:31 PM

4/18/ 2022

IGNORED CALL 5:48 PM

4/25/ 2022

IGNORED CALL 9:22 AM

5/2/ 2022

IGNORED CALL 3:16 PM

5/9/ 2022

IGNORED CALL 11:38 AM

5/23/ 2022

IGNORED CALL 11:02 PM

 

5/31/2022

3:06 AM EST

CALL START

GG:

...

MR. COOL KID:

Jade… Jade I… I had a dream that you shot me.  Why did you shoot me Jade?  Why would you-

END CALL

 

6/6/2022

11:26 PM EST

CALL START

GG:

...

MR. COOL KID:

Jade, I’m so sorry… I fucked up I know I fucked up, Jade please talk to me.  I think with you I can fix things.  I’ll stop being such a mess.  Please just say something to me I lo-

END CALL

 

CLIENT BLOCKED.


End file.
